My Over-active Imagination

First of all, let me get this out of the way; I'm sorry.  I'm sorry it's been so long since my last post (I know it's only been a few weeks but I had wanted to do at least one a week..), and I'm sorry this is not an Emilee update and there are no pictures.  I promised you all that the next post would include Easter pictures, but unfortunately, I could not find my camera and do not have a cord to get pictures off my phone.  I could e-mail them to myself 4 at a time, but there are too many to do that.  It becomes too time consuming and uses up all my memory.  So I'm sorry, and I hope you will forgive me.  I promise there will be Easter pictures at SOME point...I just need to get them off my phone...

Anyway, I've come to a realization that has been a bit of a turning point for me.  It has enlightened me on so many things about myself that I can't even unpack it all at the moment.  The realization is this:

I have an over-active imagination.

A WAY over-active imagination!

That in it's self is not new to me.  What IS new, however, is that I finally have at least one reason why God gave it to me.  All my life I struggled with the wild imaginings of my mind and I asked God over and over again, "WHY!?" "Why did you give me this imagination!? Please use it for your glory!". And for the longest time, he was silent. 

However, a few days ago, the realization hit me.  I don't even remember what I was doing or why it came to mind, all I remember is that all of a sudden, I knew a reason (one at least) for my imagination! That's how monumental it was to me...I don't remember anything else about the moment!  The reason God revealed to me, is this:

I have an over-active imagination so that I can empathize with people.  So I can honestly FEEL what they feel. I mean an honest to goodness visceral FEELING. I imagine the scenario as if it were happening to me, and I experience the emotions someone in that scenario would feel.

This is good and bad, and it's revealing.

It's good, because, as stated above, I can more easily and genuinely empathize.  Since it is still only imagining, and I have not ACTUALLY experienced it, I still don't always know what to say...but I DO know, on at least some level, how they feel...and sometimes that's enough.  It is also good because I can draw mental pictures of things.  It aides my memory and enables me to visualize things.  It aides my creativity and ideas.

It is bad, because it allows me to empathize.  It might sound odd to use the same reason as good AND bad, but it's true.  Being able to FEEL like I am experiencing someone's tragedy is exhausting, emotional, confusing, etc. I have to deal with those very real emotions. It is also bad because I can visualize virtually ANYTHING.  That includes not so good things that lead to anxiety and panic attacks. I don't think I've ever had a full blown panic attack, but I've come close.

It reveals a lot of things about me, honestly, but the thing that is most revealing to me at the moment is this; it explains my irrational fears.  Now, I'm sure it's easy to understand that being able to visualize things and hense blow things out of proportion would produce irrational fears.  However, I'm talking about intense fears that have no base in my own personal reality.  Like having an intense fear of failure when I have only ever succeeded at what I've attempted (and when I was younger I had no schema for "impossible"). Or an intense fear of broken relationships when I come from a 2 parent home and have never had someone cheat on me or lie to me (in a relationship sense), or a fear of dying from cancer when I've only ever been healthy, etc.  I used to explain these things as the result of more to loose and more knowledge of the world.  I'm sure they play a factor, but I have now come to realize that my over-active imagination has a lot to do with it. 

- I feel deeply saddened (sometimes to the point of tears) when I hear of someone's marital/relationship problems, whether I know them personally or not. This is empathy.

- When I read a blog about a mother with cancer I imagine if it were me.  I think about Emilee growing up without a mom. I think about Ray as a single dad. I think about what it would feel like to know I would be gone. No more Christmases, no more birthdays...I mean I honestly feel these things! That's empathy...and it's no wonder I would fear dying of cancer with thoughts like that! 

I grew up very sheltered.  This was God's grace, but also his sovereignty. I am convinced if I had grown up with a troubled childhood I would probably have been on anti-depressants by the time I was a teenager! My sheltered childhood allowed me to develop the base I needed.  I learned to take my emotions and fears to God. I learned to "take captive every thought".  I had plenty of opportunities for my imagination to go wild WITHOUT all the emotional baggage.  God knew what he was doing and I'm thankful. 

However, now I need to learn how to empathize WITHOUT internalizing! That is my challenge now, and I think for the time being it means limiting what I take into my imagination (which includes everything from movies to blog posts!). I know even this is in God's timing and will and I'm very VERY grateful to finally know at least ONE reason why I have this over-active imagination! :)

~Mae