The Expectation of Marriage - Babies

Ok, so it's obviously been a long time since I wrote in this, because it's tied to an e-mail with my maiden name and It took me a good 10 minutes to figure this out.

So anyway, one of the most annoying things, I've found, about being newly married, is how everyone seems to assume that whenever you feel less than par, you must be pregnant. As if the very fact that I am now sexually active means that I'm going to get pregnant imediately! What the crap! I found this particularly annoying for the first few months of our marriage, because to be completely honest, being pregnant was the LAST thing I wanted. The very idea of being pregnant scared the crap out of me! My husband and I do not feel we are in a place to support children right now, and perhaps it's even a little bit selfish; we don't WANT to make room for a child. Either way, being pregnant now would certianly put some kinks in the plans.

But to get back to my story, for the first few months of our marriage, I barely gave a thought to being pregnant. We have been careful about using birth control, and I just knew that I wasn't. It pretty much never crossed my mind. Then one of my closest friends found out she was pregnant. She was married almost 2 months after my husband and I, and she found out she was pregnant about 3 months into her marriage. I have to admit, that scared me. They decided they WANTED to try for children, and for that purpose, I am excited for them. I know the child is welcome and wanted and I know THEY feel they are ready. But it brought the uncomfortable idea of pregnancy into MY world, and it freaked me out.

Ever since then, all I have heard, from sooo many different sources is baby, baby, baby, pregnancy, pregnancy, pregnancy! I see it everywhere, I hear it everywhere, and it was making me slightly paranoid! I mean, I'm still scared by the idea of being pregnant, of having children at this point in my life, but the idea of being a mom is starting to grow on me. My mom asked me if seeing my friend pregnant made me want to be pregnant. I can't lie, it does kind of make me feel left behind. I still feel as tho now would not be the best time for my husband and I, but SEEING her belly grow larger, knowing there is a life growing inside...that's a precious and mysterious thought. For about a month after that, I was so paranoid that I was pregnant. I stopped drinking wine, I limited my intake of tuna, because I knew if I WAS pregnant, those would be bad things to eat. The thing is, I wasn't trusting God with it. I mean, I know it's logical, I know it makes sense that I would feel freaked out and left behind and all that Jazz...it didn't help either that my friend confided in me that they were still using birthcontrol when she conceived. That completely took away my feeling of safety, and my poor husband was left with a nervous hypersensitive wife who was paying attention to every little ache and pain and stomach cramp imagineable. It quite literally drove me insane! I finally took an at home pregnancy test, and it came back negative, but even though I should have been relieved (which I was, don't get me wrong), I also felt strangely sad and empty!

Now, as a woman, I know I am uniquely desighned to carry children and to desire children, which is perhaps what came over me in that month, but once I was thinking straight again, I knew I had not experienced any symptoms of being pregnant and I realized that even if I HAD been pregnant, I did not have to obsess over it. Many women don't even know they are pregnant untill they miss their period or go for a doctors appointment or something. I was feeling like my life was being ripped from me and thrown out of control, when in reality, I was trying to cling to control that wasn't mine to begin with. God knows when it is best for my husband and I to have children, and he knows what is best for that child. He will not give us more than we can handle.

All that being said, I have started to experience nausea at night when I go to bed, and this morning I felt pretty icky when I woke up too. I don't know how much of it is in my head, and how much of it is eating bad stuff, but the baby thought sprang up first thing in my mind! I guess I would rather it be that than something more serious like a hernia or something, but it irritates me that I can't seem to shake that concern. It shouldn't even BE a concern. Children are blessings from God. I just need to stop obsessing about the whole thing and leave it to God. I trust that he's not going to give us a child untill the timing is right. I've no doubt it will require my husband and I to give up some things, but as long as we are seeking God's will I don't believe he will give us a child when we are unable to provide for one. Perhaps I am wrong on that, but it helps. I don't feel like I can talk to my husband about these concerns, because he thinks I'm being paranoid, which means he won't take me seriously. He thinks I'm worrying about it too much, which I absolutely WAS before, but saying so does not help me move beyond that...I am just so annoyed and frustrated. Having a child scares me, but being pregnant is starting to appeal to me. My husband thinks I'm paranoid, and I KNOW I have been acting somewhat paranoid, but It doesn't help me get past this worry. When you tell someone not to worry, they inevitably start worrying. That's just the way of things.

I am pretty sure I am NOT pregnant, since I don't feel like i have anything living or growing inside of me, but even if I am, I am determined not to obsess over it. God knows our needs and his plans for us are better than anything we could come up with for ourselves. I need to trust HIM with this. I just wish people would stop getting pregnant and talking about babies!

~Mae