If wishes were fishes we'd have some fried.

I have found, that there is no sense in wishing your life were different. Honestly, wishing doesn't really do much, and even if there are some things you see in other people's lives that you want, chances are, there are things in YOUR life that those same people want. There will always be something you want. Granted, some people have been given lemons, but wishing doesn't make them turn into lemonade.

Anyway, I say this because sometimes my husband does thoughtless things. And, when he does, I can't help but think of other people I know you have husbands that do nice things like bring them toast in bed when they're sick. Now, just because that husband brings her toast when she's sick doesn't mean he's never thoughtless, and just because MY husband chooses not to use his brain sometimes, doesn't mean he lets it vacation forever. He is a very sweet, loving, compassionate man.

I believe part of the scenario is due to his past, since our pasts usually have more of an impact than we care to recognize. Actually, MY past probably has a role in it too. My mother and sister both used to verbally "attack" me without provocation, for no apparent reason. So, when I hear that tone of voice, or see one of those facial expressions, I'm left blindsided again thinking...what!? Why did I deserve to be be "attacked" like that!? I don't mean that they actually come right out and say "your stupid" or anything, it just FEELS like I'm being attacked. Like I must be the most idiotic, senseless, uncarring, unthoughtfull person in the world and who do I think I am for even sugesting such-and-such. I don't believe they actually THINK those things, and I'm not really sure why they do it, but that's how it always makes me feel...and except for a handfull of occasions, I'm always blindsided by it. I never seem to be expecting it.

My husband is used to his father never having a logical reason for anything and irrationally opposing things that he wants to do. He's used to having to explain himself slowly, emphasizing the words with tone of voice and facial expression because his recipient is too stubborn and foolish to understand. Plus, since his father is, for the most part, a people pleaser, he never really tried to curb bad or unhelpful behaviors and habits in my husband. So when a suggestion is made, he gets deffensive and automatically jumps to this irrational conclusion that someone is trying to change him, and that's just the way he is. That phrase makes my head ring. It literally blinds me with shock like "Did he seriously just say that!?"

I have made a point of trying to constantly improve myself, and I have always figured if I didn't know about something, I wouldn't know to change it. I don't always like it when people point out my faults to me, but I would prefer that to them just reacting to it negatively and leaving me to wonder why they hate me. Therefore, I try to tell my husband when something particular is a problem. I know he's not doing it on purpose, that's why I try to tell him, because I figure if he KNOWS, then he can try to do it differently. If he doesn't know, then I can't expect him to ever act differently, and even if he does, I can't really expect it...I just hope that eventually we can both find a solution.

This morning, I pointed something out to my husband, because it was the face, and the tone of voice, that makes me feel attacked. I was trying to set up a routine, and he side stepped it like I was a friend or child asking for a favor. I called him on it - "I know you're used to not makeing concrete plans, but this is a routine I'd like to set up if we can" - and the face, with it's tone, came out. So I told him, "I don't like it when you do that, it's like your saying I'm too stupid to understand so you have to talk really slowly and enunciate your words" and he said "that's not how I meant it. It's just the way I am". BAH! That is no excuse! In my mind he might as well have been saying, "don't ask me to change, I'm not going to, I don't need to, I don't want to, and I don't care that this habit of mine makes you feel attacked" I mean, I know he wasn't ACTUALLY thinking all those things, it was simply a thoughtless comment. I don't really EXPECT him to change, but there is absolutely NO hope that he ever WILL if he doesn't know about it. That's all I wanted. I just wanted him to acknowledge it, but instead he got defensive. I understand I react this way sometimes when I feel attacked, and perhaps he felt attacked himself, but I was trying my best NOT to be accusing. And, I was left feeling like I had reached out to touch a person's shoulder and they had jerked around and clawed my hand all up; dazed, blindsided, and hurt. Like little poison darts were pricking my heart.

I love my husband, and I don't want to "change" him any more than I want to change myself. I think he's wonderful just as he is, but people who do not tell you when you're being a jerk do NOT love you. They don't care. Only those people who care about you, will care enough to risk telling you you're being a jerk or an idiot or whatever. In this case I was simply pointing out that his reaction was ineffective and damaging, and all I wanted was for him to acknowledge it...to be open to the idea that he COULD be wrong and there COULD be room for improvement. I wasn't telling him "This is bad, you're bad, and you're a failure of a husband"....although...he might have heard something like that, considering what his mother used to say to him....

Hmm. Full circle. How does anyone ever move forward!?