Perhaps it is just a mood I’m in right now, but it seems like more and more, my circumstances are telling me not to finish my thesis. Now, I understand that seems like a rather big deal, and I am the sort of person who was raised to finish what I’ve started. I have every intention of completing it, and I believe if it was right when God led me to the program, then it is still right and it needs to be done to the best of my ability until it is completed. However, there are also times when God tests us by asking us to fail…or at any rate, give up something we’ve worked hard for, and I just feel like I’m prepared to do that if necessary. Yes, I want to finish my program, but I need to either finish it by the end of april, or the end of May, and if I don’t finish in April, then I can’t graduate in May, I’ll have to graduate in August. Now, if I graduate in August, I need to be enrolled in at least one credit for that summer term. My husband and I are planning on moving to Colorado in early to mid June, so I likely won’t be able to work for my Grad school department, and if I can’t work for them for the summer, they may not be able to pay for the one credit, which for a graduate level, is around 300 dollars. With us moving, I really can’t be throwing that kind of money around. PLUS, even if my department would let me work remotely for them, the university is experiencing economic hardship as well, and is even talking about eliminating some degree programs! So, the money might not be available anyway. I obviously still need to talk to my advisor about all this, but it just seems like everything is saying “It’s time to move on”…like there was a reason why I couldn’t do the student teaching and I need to just accept that. I am trusting God in this, and I know he will provide and bring together the necessary pieces, I just wish people didn’t get so riled up about it.
I hadn’t talked about this to anyone really, but yesterday I mentioned it to a friend of mine when I was talking to her on the phone. She actually got mad at me! I don’t get it. What does my finishing or not finishing my thesis have to do with her? Why do people get angry when something doesn’t work out? How does it affect her at all if I get my masters or not? I just don’t understand. I mean, I expect that people will react that way, it’s human nature I suppose…they probably feel like I’m accepting defeat or failure….but I don’t see it as failure. If it’s where God is leading me, if it’s what he’s asking me to do, then it’s not failure to accept it! God knows what is best for me, for my future, and for the future of my marriage and my family. There is just absolutely no need for it.
I have also been feeling lately that it is all vanity anyhow. The things that really matter in life are not diplomas, or papers pontificating on student understanding, or even having a job or making things….if God is not in it, then it is vanity. I have always been one to focus more on being a Godly example by living uprightly and being blameless before men and God, which I still hold to, and not so much on proactively witnessing. But recently I’ve just felt as though my current life, with my graduate responsibilities, my thesis, my wife responsibilities, and even my hobbies, leaves no room for even situational witnessing. I feel like I don’t have time for family and friends. I haven’t even found time to do thesis stuff, even after I finally found my motivation again! I will probably work on it some today, and hopefully get a lot done, but I don’t really feel like I have enough of a relationship with the people around me to be a witness by my living. I don’t think they see me enough! Plus, the things I find the most Joy in; my husband, friends, kitty, beading, reading, projects, etc…I keep getting further away from them. Work is good, it is from God and it should be appreciated as a gift from God. However, I don’t believe it should be depressing. I don’t believe work should suck your life away. It’s in those little things, and in those relationships that God is seen the best. I want people to be able to see him in my work, but I don’t know how to do that! I don’t feel smart enough or motivated enough to do the brilliant work that some people do. My mind has been all fuzzy lately. I don’t know if it’s just because I’m trying to hold too much in it, or if it’s something more serious, but I just don’t feel capable. I know I am capable of finishing it, but I don’t feel capable of doing anything supernatural with it. Obviously, that is God’s department, and I suppose this is the best place to be in order for God to work through me, because then there’ll be no doubt who’s responsible. Perhaps that is where God is leading me….I just pray that I will not let my co-workers and my superiors down, and that I will live an upright and blameless life before God and men. If he asks me to give up my Masters degree, I am willing and prepared to accept it. I just hope and pray that he reveals his will to me clearly and soon, in a way that I will understand without any doubts.
