Thankfullness

I have been struggling recently with FEELING close to God.  Really, it's been a struggle since college to have that balance of quiet time with him in the midst of an increasingly busy life, but at times it sort of feels put on hold, particularly since Emilee was born.  My time is not my own, and the few hours I get to myself I am usually thinking of the immediate needs...food, shower, sleep...etc.  Of course, meeting with God SHOULD be one of those priorities.  Jesus is the bread of life, HE should be our one priority, because everything else comes from HIM.  Still, being human, my sleep deprived hungry body says, "EAT NOW!" or "SLEEP NOW!" and my logical, practical mind says, "WASH THOSE DISHES!" and "DO THAT LAUNDRY!" and my exhausted spirit says, "Sssshhh, quiet, just relax."  Those voices are hard to ignore at times.  I have made a point to read the Daily Bread everyday, and I will have fleeting thoughts brushing the surface of something deep, and I am SO thankful that God is still faithful and loving and patient, that he still provides and hears and answers even in the midst of my busy inatention, but the daily bread, while good, is just too light for me.  My spirit needs meat, I'm not a spiritual babe anymore.

Occassionally, because my God is good and gracious, I am given the sweet opportunity to spend real QUALITY time with him.  I am ashamed to say I don't always take advantage of it...namely because of the other voices mentioned above...but when I do it feels SO GOOD!  Today, I felt urged to give thanks.  My situation at the moment is not terribly abnormal or uncommon.  I hear stories ALL THE TIME about people in impossibly hard situations...abusive relationships, sudden deaths, handicaped children, miscarriages, terminal illnesses, and they scare me.  They make me fearful of my own relatively normal exsistance.  I KNOW God is good, but God does allow those situations in people's lives, his reasons are his own and we may never know or understand them, but I can't help being afraid that at any moment God might "allow" one such tragedy to strike ME.  I swear, it's like an ever-present fear of mine.  The really sad thing about it, is that I know God is not vindictive like that, and I have no real reason to think this way.  God has blessed me abundantly...and perhaps that's where the root of my fear comes from...with all the suffering and trials and tragedy around, I feel like I've somehow gotten the sweet end of the deal and like all good things in this world (another twisted message passed down through the generations) it must inevitably come to an end.  The thing is, God's blessing ISN'T "of this world".  It doesn't have to have an "end".  And more importantly, my life is no BETTER than anyone elses, I simply acknowledge God, who loves me and pours out his blessings on me because of it, and I try to do my best in return to thank him with my thoughts, heart, actions, words, life.  You'd be surprised at the power of thankfullness. It really has an amazing way of blasting through those fears and insecurities.  Rather than let my mind shrink into the crippling, consuming thoughts of imminent doom, (Which may or may not ever happen, and more likely than not WON'T happen), focusing on things that I KNOW to be true (the love and character of God and all he has already done for me and through me) is a solid way to restore faith and hope. :)

Here are a few things I am thankful for.  The list is much longer, but my solitude was just disturbed by a fussing baby so I have to end this.

- My God
- The love my family has for each other and God
- The love of my husband
- Our open, honest, and sincere relationship
- My daughter
- My health
- The health of my loved ones
- My Faith
- God's ever present help and unceasing provision

Perhaps I will write more later but untill then, happy thanksgiving! :)

~Mae